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New chapter in a strange existence

Several months ago my life as I had known it dissolved overnight. Now I am left to make sense of the fresh slate that I have been given without my consent. I am, in a word, confused. I have goals and shaky directions that I am diligently following, but they are a means to more than one possible end. Because of this, I have been in a state of panic. I feel rushed to find my way back into a stable niche, to find solid answers to the myriad questions that have been hurled at me. Stress has been knocking at my front door for a while, and I keep it at bay only by the skin of my teeth. At such times, I draw further inside myself, inside where I feel safer. Many of my long-buried emotions and tendencies begin to surface once again, and I am left with the task of re-burying them, or, God willing, eliminating them. Such feelings are that of indecision, shyness, self-doubt. I had a breakdown the other day as the inevitable volcano erupted through a fissure of my brain and heart.
This is a definitive point in my life, I've come to realize; a time of great personal change. I am facing demons that I had buried long ago, but always knew were there. I want them dead, I want them gone. I want to breathe the first sigh of relief from these unending hindrances to my advancement as an individual. In times of weakness, I look to others for help, for inspiration, for motivation and encouragement. I look to others to find out what I look like from the outside. In this cocoon state, I am growing, nurturing, and preparing to emerge as something better. But I am also vulnerable. I do not often ask for the help of others, as I am an independent and stubborn individual, but if I do then I have very good reason to.
During these times I may appear "different," I may appear "weak," but I my core exists intact. I am the same person my friends and loved ones have come to love. All I ask is for a bit of patience and understanding while I figure things out.


...is something that is earned and something that can be lost if repeatedly violated. Fox News seems to excel at this. But at least it's highly entertaining watching people make complete morons out of themselves. :)
Regardless of political philosophy, Fox News just plain sucks at the truth.

And Glenn Beck gets owned by Whoopie Goldberg. So many smiles did this bring me.

The commentator is a bit annoying at times, but he has a few good points.

Egads. This is "the freest nation in the world."

I love how she just shamelessly blurts out the phrase "do away with the homosexuals..." Define "do away with..."
Lack of a decent sleep pattern has caught up to me, as I have found. I spent about 11 hours snuggled under my blankets in blissful slumber until I was awoken by a phone call. I am hoping I made up all the lost sleep.

Egads, I begin school in 2 days. Summer has ended already. It wasn't quite the summer I was expecting, and in a weird way I am glad it's over. I'm happy at the prospect of productivity and future betterment. Progress tastes delicious. (As does root beer in a glass bottle. Shit, don't get me started...)

So I'm going to a play tonight. The normal fee was cut by two thirds (for me personally. I feel so privileged) so I scrounged for some change and came up with enough cash.

Ads are annoying.
I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, but surprisingly I don't feel too worn. For some reason I sometimes over analyze the process of falling asleep in my attempt to catalog the exact moment that I transition from awareness to slumber. As a result, I find it nearly impossible to fall asleep, that is until my body and brain finally have enough and just shut down for a bit. I'm weird, I know.

Got up this morning to go to an interview. I've found, to my delight, that my resume seems to impress. I guess that's one good thing that came of my 5.5 year devotion to a full time job. Prospects are looking good, I think. We'll see.

Bleh, I need to clean the kitchen.
And I received the syllabus for my history class and apparently my grade rides on 4 assignments only. Fuck that. Nothing for participation or attendance or little assignments here or there. Just 3 essay exams and a book review.
My two required readings are A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn and Arc of Justice: A Saga of Race, Civil Rights, and Murder in the Jazz Age by Kevin Boyle. Seems like a good lineup.

Time to do productive things.


So apparently the US likes to violate a great many international laws for its own economical benefit under the pretense that it is for "national security reasons," even though those should only include situations that deal with "fissionable materials, arms dealing, and when in a time of war." I draw upon the latter, mainly, as a prime suspect in US reasoning for its current involvement with the Middle East. Not that the US ever complies with international jurisdiction in any event, but "wartime conditions" act as lube for sliding in our policies and violations without opposition from, say, the rest of the world (as the US is quite often the sole opponent of a great many international issues involving human rights and trade regulations proposed by the WTO). This bully mentality not only disallows the penalization of the US for any international violation (as it simply "refuses to accept jurisdiction," however the hell that works), it also allows for the US to have full reign over the internal policies of a great many countries it has investments in by inaction of "American value" policies that benefit the select few "privileged individuals" (i.e. corporations) but not the general masses, a recurring theme.
I guarantee if they taught Chomsky in high school the US would be a very different place.
But a population consisting of informed and intelligent individuals (as opposed to a desensitized collective) is the "threat of democracy," something even the framers of the Constitution were wary of. James Madison originally suggested that the will of the people should be determined by a "privileged few," a small collection of "intelligent men" who knew what the people needed better than the people themselves. Though it was with good intent (in order to solve the issue of one's 'right to property' infringing upon another's right to that same property, i.e. by owning my car I rob anyone else of the right to own it) those with money (i.e. property owners) rolled with the idea in their own way and appointed themselves as the aforementioned "privileged few." The pattern still continues today, though the modern term for property owners has since become 'corporations.' The general philosophy of such entities includes a 'more for me, none for you' mentality, placing human rights and quality of living for the general populous at the back of the priority list while at the same time deferring to them many of the corporation's costs, i.e. federal taxes. (I think it is common knowledge at this point that the Internal Revenue Service is not a federal but in fact a private establishment, and that income taxes are unconstitutional.)
In all reality, it makes sense that the framers would want the bulk of the power put into the hands of the few. The inclusion of the masses in any pertinent decision making would render the process inefficient, at least by today's standards. Inefficient and difficult to manipulate, which is why the entities in power don't gamble unless they can fix the game. The masses are distracted and presented the illusion of democratic involvement with their ability to vote on matters that are, by comparison to the policies determined by the corporations, trivial.

I could go on for a while, but I've ranted enough. Ignorance really is bliss, that's not the brand of bliss I'm looking for. Bliss of social justice tastes better. It sickens me to know that there are a great many policy makers out there that have quite literally placed a price on human life, some as low as $10,000 per (the average cost of a settlement in the case of a policy resulting in a civilian death.)

Time for some food and exercise. I need a punching bag.
Fact: Dubliner cheese is really not all that good. Strange consistency and even stranger flavor.

So I missed an appointment this morning because I had it as ten o'clock when it was in fact nine, according to them. So I had to reschedule for Friday. Screw it.

Just finished a peach.

Dishes are going in the background, lounge music quietly humming through the speakers, and I am completely uninspired. I took a rather spontaneous nap on the couch earlier. Before that I decorated my binders for my classes using duct tape. Now I'm trying to figure out what to embroider onto a shirt.

Listening to Portishead.

Last night: cookies, botan rice candy, orange cream soda, and gummi centipedes.

Before: grilled salmon and creamed red potatoes.

After: coma.

I wish to be inspired. I wish to be amazing. I wish to be me + me + me.
But it just isn't happening.
No, it just isn't happening.

Too much yum

Listening to Kruder and Dorfmeister, making cornmeal pancakes and eggs. SO AMAZING IS THE CORNMEAL PANCAKE THAT I MUST TELL IT TO YOU USING ALL CAPS.

Kruder and Dorfmeister are renowned DJ's from Austria with heavy jazz influences. Very effective chilling music.

So anyway, back to the pancakes.

Ingredients (Makes 12 pancakes):

1/2 cup of yellow cornmeal
1-1/2 cups of cold water
2 cups of milk
2 cups of all purpose flour
1/3 cup of sugar
1 tsp of salt
1 tsp of baking powder
3/4 tsp of baking soda
1 egg, beaten
2 Tbls of softened butter

In a small pan, whisk cornmeal into cold water until no lumps remain. Bring to the boil, lower the heat to low and cook for about five minutes, stirring frequently.

Sift together the flour, sugar, salt, baking powder and baking soda.

In a large mixing bowl, pour in the cooked cornmeal. Stir in the butter. Pour in the milk, add the flour mixture and egg, and mix just until blended. The batter will be thick.

Smear the bottom of a frying pan with butter. Pour in 1/3 cup of the cornmeal pancake batter and cook for about three minutes per side.

Serve the cornmeal pancakes with more butter and other toppings such as jam, syrup, or even Nutella.

I ate too many and almost 'sploded all over the world.

So after a bit of thought, I've kind of decided that a great thing to do if I were to get into the school of my choice is to combine a few disciplines into a custom major since the school offers that function. That way I could touch up on a foreign language/culture while including sociological studies. I still have to get hold of a representative and present a few inquiries, but I'm pretty certain that would work just fine. In any event, that would make my statement a bit easier to write because I could draw upon my life experiences more as an influence. The foreign language alone seemed to lack any such correlation, or at least adequate correlation to present a profound enough reason to be studying it.

I slept amazingly last night. No real memory of my dreams though. They say that dreamlessness is indicative of deep sleep.
Not sure what my plans are for today. Most likely going to stay home and get things done. Yesterday I spent out at a friend's house doing very little other than relaxing and tomorrow I have things to do outside of the house (shopping, etc.).

Gonna sit outside for a bit and read.

Dry eyes blink, tire, shut

Listening to:

Several wilts now reside on my left forearm, casualties of my lack of prowess with an English longbow. However, I did score a bullseye.
I drank an entire can of soda. What possessed me I don't know. Regrets? Probably. Although I can't say I don't need to gain weight so it can't be all that bad.
Afterward, Iron Chef America. The challenger won by several points, which is pretty awesome since she owns a completely green/organic restaurant and proved that healthy foods actually taste amazing. Kudos.
Right now: chocolate chip cookies (not intended to be a contradiction to my last statement...) and milk, music, dry contact lenses and thoughts of bed. School's in a little over a week and I need to get my body into a good sleeping habit. Perhaps tonight my dreams will have a bit more meaning.
Not sure what's on the agenda for tomorrow. I'll just figure it out when I get there.

Not so much starhopping

My dreams last night were both vivid and STRANGE.
At one point I was in a poorly lit, slummy bathroom trying to put my contact lenses in except they were actually condoms. I had a lot of trouble putting them in as they were large and uncomfortable in my eyes, but eventually I succeeded and crawled through a trashcan portal into a large gymnasium. There were a few people sitting in the bleachers and apparently it was my job to sing a bunch of songs karaoke style to them while they, according to one of the guys, "looked at boobs."
I sang a bunch of random songs, ultimately ending at Another One Bites the Dust by Queen before heading back down some strange corridors to use the bathroom again. When I re entered the gymnasium I found that a guy and a girl were performing intercourse on the basketball court so I ran over to the mic and started singing them Loving You is Easy 'Cuz You're Beautiful. I didn't actually know all the words, so I started singing whatever words I could think of. My voice sounded very different. I woke up and immediately asked myself aloud: "What the hell was that all about?"

Now I have to figure out what to do with my day. I think more organizing of my room(s) might be in good order. More Chomsky. Maybe doing some sort of art project. Maybe working a bit more on my statement. Maybe hanging out with my friend Ivan. I might have a BBQ type meal thing later with my dad.
Monday I'm going to start painting my room. I decided a good middle ground is white with black accents. Both the upstairs rooms plus the upstairs bathroom will be this color. No more pink and flowers and lace and foofies.

Ok, I have to end this because an ad with George W. Bush is in the upper right of my screen and it's creeping me out.

Aug. 6th, 2010


(god, I miss Iha...)


This is the kind of music I would listen to in my youth. It's a battle sequence from my absolute favorite game to ever grace the planet, Panzer Dragoon Saga. The composer is absolutely brilliant in my opinion.